I am filled tonight with so much emotion, I can't seem to contain it all. I feel like screaming, yet I am silent of voice. I am alone in my apartment that is quiet. Inside my body is a churning and an agitation that is shocking me and tearing at my very fibers. I wish I had a friend, somebody to talk to. I am disturbed, shocked and in disbelief. I feel like having a voice and to be heard but there is nobody around. So here I sit, alone me and this keyboard attached to the worldwide web......help me.
You all knew that I saw my therapist the other day. That I was numb and beginning to remember the bits of memory that has haunted me for years. Tonight I am beginning to feel and there is a rage inside of me with nowhere to go.
Bits of pieces scattered throughout the years. Nightmares of a man that I knew, his face warm and friendly, smiling from across the street then he grew taller and taller, like the giant in Jack and the beanstalk. He crosses the street turning into a monster he gets close to me, towers over me with his angry face and begins to choke me and I wake up gasping for air. Nightmares, always terrible nightmares of faces changing from friendly to a monster cruel angry face that terrorized me as they get closer and closer. Sometime the body changes with stiff movements like Frankenstein, I remember that I had these nightmares often until I was around 8 years old. I awake without the ability to utter a sound. Being speechless I couldn't scream for help so I was instructed to bang on the headboard to make noise so my Mom would come to comfort me. I don't ever remember her coming just that I was instructed to summons her in that way. I also had remembered those nightmares and sitting awake with no voice to cry out and the terror of the nightmare was still going on, though I was now awake. I was told that sometimes a person is only half asleep and dreaming. I also remember the terror of being in bed and that image of my mother floated from the window approaching my bed like a ghost. I was awake at this. The explanation was I staring at the sun during the day and this was like the spots before your eyes after the camera flash.
When I repeated these occurrences to my therapist she remarked that for the two years I have been seeing her, I mentioned having these nightmares, it was something she already knew. The last session I had was different because I remembered that I was NOT having a nightmare but that I was creating the illusion that I was, and that it was real and this really happened to me by my mother and father. It wasn't clear what they did to me, not yet. I had no strong feelings and was matter of fact in my reporting and numb.
Tonight it is different, and it is that difference that I feel the rage and shock inside. I didn't hear my Uncle tell me that I starred at the sun, I never banged on the headboard to awaken my mother to come to my side, I wasn't the little girl that had a vivid imagination that heard the upstairs neighbor playing "Inner Sanctum" on the radio every night and that spooky music scared me to having nightmares. I was ashamed of the fault of my vivid imagination that caused such inconvenience to my mother, night after night. I began to have flashes of all of this at around 12 years of age. It was my mother who explained it all away. She is the one who told me, of me asking my Uncle who was a psychologist, for the reason for the 'floating ghost". It was my mother who told me that I burdened her every night with waking her up and that it was she who instructed me to bang on the headboard. I asked her about those flashes of memories and she had an explanation. I blended her explanation and included them with the memory flashes until I put them all together.
I am so hurt and angry, she disowned me because she couldn't handle me, a person with emotional problems. I hated ME for driving away my mother and I hated ME for being deprived of love because I was flawed. She disowned me and cut me out of her will and of all my father left for her and me when he died.
I was told I was mentally ill and had emotional problems. My mother is dead, my father is dead, my grandparents are dead, my uncles are dead. Nobody is alive to talk to anymore. My parents caused me terror and memories that haunted me and I was lied to and told I had emotional problems and needed to be avoided. Now I realize when I was tormented by my past emerging and went to her with questions to fit the bits and pieces together she lied and then made me believe I wasn't fit to be loved. She knew I was remembering and had to tell people I was a disturbed girl so I couldn't expose her.
Instead of being relieved that I am not emotionally ill, my doctors told me I wasn't years ago when I asked, but I took what they said intellectually but never believed it. The therapist now told me that I wasn't emotionally ill yet I didn't accept that from her either. I keep on feeling flawed. Tonight I am starting to become aware that this was my parents 'coverup' to keep the truth hidden. How can a person live with themselves, watching a 12 year old child being tormented with flashbacks of cruel treatment done to her and have the nerve to 'glaze' over it, telling outright lies to cover up the truth and then telling a little child that she has emotional problems and is flawed and living with her is very draining on her mother and I was causing her stress. Telling her that people will begin to avoid being around her if they knew she was troubled. I am too much for anybody to take.
I am exhausted now, too tired to write anymore. I am becoming numb again. It is ok if when I click,'send' this email goes into internet space and is never read by anybody, I 'shouted' and if I wasn't heard by anybody, I at least heard myself.
Thanks for reading, if you did :)
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Jordin Sparks, "You'll Never Walk Alone"
